Your Own Best Frenemy

Person looking in a broken mirror.

“I learned a long time ago, the wisest thing to do is be on your own side.”

Maya Angelou

“I don’t mean to be rude but…”

Ugh. That Simon guy on American Idol was such a d-bag.

When he’d start of his critique that way, you know he did mean to be rude and he was about to say something nasty for the sake of helping someone “improve.”

Sadly, I see this same approach in so many women – clients, colleagues, friends. 

These are smart, talented, successful, all-around amazing women who save their harshest, most judgemental voice for themselves.

All in the name of becoming their “best selves.”

Ask me how I know.

It can sound like looking in the mirror and saying, “Ugh. You’ve gained weight, honey. You really need to eat better and work out more.”

Or maybe it’s replaying work scenarios over and over for days, “Well, you screwed up that presentation. You stumbled over your words and they had so many questions. I bet everyone hated it.”

Maybe it’s a voice whispering in the middle of the night telling you that dream you have, isn’t that important after all.

Perhaps it’s dating. Or showing your art to the world. Or starting a business. Or being a mom.

The areas of our life that we care most deeply about and desire our greatest success and fulfillment are often where we show up as our own best frenemy.

Most of the women on my consults don’t even hear their self-criticism and contempt. They “don’t mean to be rude” they think they’re just telling themselves the truth.

Listening to that frenemy has gotten them pretty far in life but she’s also exhausting and they are so tired of her bullshit.

There is also a point when you are really ready to level up that her “tough-love tactics” don’t work anymore. They certainly don’t create a satisfying and fulfilling life.

So, one of the first things we do in coaching is to take away her power.

The key is love. 

See, you’re not going to get in a cat fight with this frenemy. Because she don’t play. She just comes back harder.

Instead you learn to notice when she shows up and then in various ways you can lovingly tell her to calm down.

She wants to be heard and understood and to keep you safe. But when you’ve got your own back because you are a true friend to yourself, then you don’t need that kind of back-handed emotional protection.

“Thank you, but no thank you.”

When you are able to literally calm your nervous system and shift yourself back into a higher brain state and into the energy of possibility, creation and love, that’s when you become that sought after best self.

It is by doing this over and over again that you develop a new relationship with yourself.

You become a true friend. Your own best friend.

You are driven and have big ideas you want to bring to life. You can do it without being terrible to yourself. In 6 months you can be on your way to the life of your dreams.

The first step is being okay with not having it all figured out and then hopping on a consult call so we can talk.

Give yourself the gift of an hour to get dreamy about life and your relationship with yourself and see what’s possible. You absolutely deserve it and don’t let that frenemy of yours tell you differently.

Published by allisonburch

Hi there! As a Gottman Certified Educator, I love helping new families navigate the transition to parenthood and supporting them as they create a life they love. I get to live the dream in Austin, Texas with my big-hearted husband and two extroverted boys, where we get to put Gottman's techniques to use daily.

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